She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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