I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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