Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
