She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
