Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
