do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
