2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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