dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
