Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize
