Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
