i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
