I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
