If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
