...so i touched it.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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