you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
