How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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