Your mouth is God's brothel.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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