Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
