if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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