Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
it's great music for shaving your balls
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
