He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
