Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
