Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
