Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Randomize
