WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
