I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
