Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
