i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
23 Insane Reasons People Got Fired
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
These 31 Gross People Really Put The ‘Trash’ In ‘Trashed’
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.