He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
