I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
27 Times The Kardashian-Jenner Clan Absolutely Slayed at NYFW
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
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The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"