Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
