im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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