I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
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I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
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I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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