I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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