I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
