i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
