They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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