i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
