I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
