pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Two words: nipple clamps
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