I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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