My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
