I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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