Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
