I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
