just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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