YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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