i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
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