what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
