It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
