you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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