if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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