just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Semen is not good for contacts.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
