Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
