it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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