im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Randomize
