Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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